


Strong

by lostgirl966



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: AOS, Agents of SHIELD, Bus Kids - Freeform, Comfort, F/M, FitzSimmons - Freeform, Melinda May - Freeform, Self Harm, mama may
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-09-23 12:21:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9657293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostgirl966/pseuds/lostgirl966
Summary: Jemma has a hard time coping after Fitz tells her he's leaving the lab in season 2.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Self Harm

Jemma could hear the footsteps outside of the bathroom door. Hastily, she wiped her eyes and her wrist. The tissue that had once been white soon turned red as Jemma pressed it to her wrist. As she did there was a knock at the door.

“Jemma?”

“Just a second Skye.” Jemma threw the small balde into the toilet and flushed. Then she stuffed a bit of tissue paper up her sleeve to hopefully stop the bleeding.

“Jemma I can hear in your voice that you’ve been crying.”

Jemma checked her refelction in the mirror. She looked like a wreck. Eyes were blood shot and her face was pale. But she could only lie to Skye for so long. So she unlocked the door and found Skye on the otherside.

She stood their arms folded looking concerned. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!”

“Jemma, you’ve always been a bad liar. Please, tell me what’s going on.”

“Skye really I’m fine.”

But Skye shook her head. “I don’t buy that for one second.”

Jemma’s heart raced. She had never been caught before. What was she supposed to do? “Skye I promise I’m fine.”

“Jemma I will tell Coulson something’s wrong if yoy don’t tell me.”

For a moment Jemma simply starred at Skye. Should she tell her? She looked into her friends eyes and let out a sigh. She had made her decision. Grabbing skye by her arms Jemma pulled her into the bathroom, shutting the door after her.

Jemma’s hand went to the tissue. She removed it and threw it into the trash. Then summoning uo her courage she revealed her secret. She searched Skye’s face for a reaction. But there was none to find.

“Jemma,” Skye whispered starring down at the cuts and the bit of blood that was still coming from them. Her expression was that of surprise and fear. But she did not say anything else.

“Well?” Jemma couldn’t stand this silence. Fitz had already shut her out. She can’t stand losing Skye too. “Say something, please.”

But she didn’t. Skye grabbed hold of Jemma and pulled her into a hug. “How long?” She asked resting her head on Jemma’s shoulder.

“Since I went undercover at Hydra…” Jemma began to let the tears flow. There was no need to hold them back now. “I don’t know how its started. It just did.”

Skye pulled her tighter. “You’re not gonna do this alone anymore Jemma. Whenever you feel like doing this, please come and talk to me. We’ll figure this out together.”

“Skye this isn’t your battle to fight.”

Daisy leaned back to look at Jemma. Tears streamed down her face. “Now listen here. You’re my best friend, and I care about you. Nothing will ever stop me.”

Jemma’s lip began to tremble as the tears came harder. Then she threw her arms once more around Skye. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” she sobbed into her friend’s shoulder.

“Shhh,” Daisy said stroking Jemma’s hair. “I’ve got you… I’ve got you and I will never let go.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jemma tells Fitz about her struggle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Self Harm

With Daisy’s help Jemma was able after a few months to gain control. Then she was sucked into the monolith. Thankfully, Fitz rescued her. However, once back home Jemma found the thought of the silver blade growing stronger in the back of her mind. She thought about telling Skye about it. Well, she was called Daisy now. But something held Jemma back.

So once again Jemma found herself with a small bit of sliver in her hand. She sat on her bed with the door to her bunk locked. If anyone asked why the door was locked she would simply say that she had been changing and had not wanted anyone to barge in. She had never been a good liar, but it was different when it came to this.

Jemma starred down at her wrist for a moment just watching as the little bit of red blood moved down her arm. Then tears began flow down her cheeks. There was no turning back now. It had begun again. Jemma would have to start all over.

“Jemma?”

She jumped so hard that she dropped the blade onto the floor. The voice belonged to Fitz. He knocked on the door and then Jemma saw the door knob jiggle.

“Why is the door locked?”

“I’m changing Fitz. Give me just a second and I’ll let you in.” Jemma hastily picked up that jacket that she had borrowed from Fitz and pulled it on. But there was no tissue to stop the bleeding so she hoped that the sweater would stop it. Then she strowed over to the door and unlocked it.

Fitz walked in holding two cups of tea. “Thought you might like some. I know how much you like earl grey.”

She smiled at him taking one of the mugs. “Thank you Fitz.” In truth she wanted him to leave. Jemma did not want to have to pretend to be okay, and she was so far from okay since she got back. She had tried to put a good show for Fitz because she didn’t want him to worry.

“How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” she replied taking a sip of the warm tea. “I haven’t slept well the last few nights.” Jemma could hear her own voice shaking.

“I thought you might not be. I wouldn’t either if I had been where you have.”

Jemma’s teeth clenched. Tears threatened to surface again. However, she couldn’t afford to let that happen.

Then without warning Fitz placed his mug down and took Jemma’s from her hand. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah I’m fine,” Jemma lied.

But Fitz didn’t look away. Instead, he continued to stare at her. His expression was somber but also longing. He looked difectly into her eyes as if trying to find the trith behind the lie.

“What?” Jemma asked feeling as if she was being x-rayed. Those blue eyes could alsways read her better than any others.

“I’m just waiting… I just want you to know that I’m here for you if you ever need me. You can tell be absolutely anything.”

Jemma could no longer hold back the emotions that had been longing to surface. She burst into tears and pulled Fitz into her arms. He didn’t question, but simply held her. “I’m sorry,” she sobbed. She seemed to always be saying that.

“It’s gonna be okay,” said Fitz as one of his hands rubbed circles on her back.

“No,” she whispered trying to talk even though she was gasping for air. “You don’t understand.” She gently pushed him back and then pulled up the sleeve of Fitz’s jacket to reveal the blood she had been hiding.

“Oh Jemma,” he whispered before pulling her back into his arms. He let her crumple in his arms and sob into his shoulder. Then he said something that caught Jemma completely off guard. “The scars go away.”

She froze for a moment as her eye grew wide. Then as realization dawned on her, Jemma's heart broke and she turned to pressed a kiss to the Fitz’s cheek. “Oh god Fitz.”

He began stroking her hair gently. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry you know what this feels like. I wish I had know I-.”

“Shh,” Fitz said. “I’m glad I know how it feels, because now I can help you get through this.”

The door opened once again and Daisy walked into the bunk. Seeing the tears in Jemma’s eyes she hastily closed the door. “What’s wrong?”

“I umm- I started it again” Jemma said wiping the tears from her cheeks. But she never finished her scentence because Daisy tackled her to the bed in a warm hug.

Fitz, Daisy and Jemma all laughed. Then Daisy moved off of Jemma to sit on the otherside of her. “Fitz what have you done?” Daisy teased giving his arms a light punch.

“He was just being brilliant as always,” Jemma laughed using the sleeves of the jacket to dab away the tears.

“You’re not alone Jemma,” Fitz said placing a hand on her knee. “Daisy and I are gonna help you get through this. You’re so strong Jem.”

“Of course,” Daisy added. “We’re gonna kick it’s ass! And Fitz is right. You’re stronger than you think.”

“You’re both to wonderful to be real,”Jemma laughed pulling both of her best friend to her. She couldn't stop smiling now. 

Jemma knew she would get through this. This addiction would no longer own her. The journey might be long, and it would definatly be hard. But at least she didn’t have to do it alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is also based on personal experiences. I know what it feels like to feel so alone and then find those people who understand. Those people who will love you not matter what. I don't feel as if i could ever fully explain the joy of that kind of moment.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May has a talk with Jemma

_Bang, bang, bang!_

Jemma lowered the gun and looked to see that her bullets were getting closer and closer to the target. She sighed and began to reload. But as she did she felt a hand on her shoulder. Jemma turned to see May standing behind her looking confused.

“What the hell are you doing up at this time of night?”

Jemma shrugged with a sigh. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Simmons, you shouldn’t be handling a gun when you’re tired.”

“But I’m not tired!”

“Jemma what’s going on? Is this more about what you mentioned before?”

“Actually yes,” Jemma replied. “I’m tired of being poor Agent Simmons. No one is going to risk their life for me. I need to be stronger.”

May sighed in frustration. Then she turned her eyes back to Jemma. She moved to her taking the gun. Then May gently took Jemma’s left hand in hers.

Jemma instantly began to panic when May began to lift her sleeve. She tried to pull away but May held her there. She was shaking hard by the time May had revealed the scars that Jemma had given herself.

“Simmons these are battle scars. You are strong. You’re stronger than anyone else on this team.”

“May I-.”

But She held up a hand to stop Jemma’s words. “Simmons I’ve seen you grow from a kid not cleared for the field, to a woman capable of taking on the world. You fight a battle everyday. You fight not against aliens or terrorists but against yourself. We live in a time of avengers, but you’re the real hero. You fight battles that no one will ever see. And even though you’re fighting everyday you’re still here at Shield helping people. That’s the mark of someone who is truly strong.”

Jemma starred at the woman who was like a second mother. She looked at her long and hard. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry, hug May or protest.

“And no, neither Fitz nor Daisy told me. Being good at observing is part of my job.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Jemma whispered removing the goggles and headgear she had been using.

“Say you won’t stop fighting.”

Jemma felt the tears again. Why must she always cry? It was infuriating. But she just couldn’t help herself.

May sighed and then drew Jemma close. “Don’t you dare ever stop fighting. If you do I’m gonna have to kick your ass.”

Jemma laughed as she tightened the hug. “I won’t I promise.”

“Good,” said May as she released Jemma from the hug. “Now go to bed for god’s sake it’s almost two in the morning.”

“Speak for yourself,” Jemma laughed. “You’re up too!”

“I know i’m crazy for being up, but we need you well rested.” May put up Jemma gear and pulled her along back towards the bunks. Jemma couldn’t be sure, but she did believe that she saw one of those rare smiles pull at May’s lips.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jemma relapses after the framework

Jemma starred at her wrist as the thick, sticky, crimson blood slowly trickled down her arm. Her lip trembled as she looked down at the small knife she had used to make the cuts. She released it and the blade went clattering to the ground.

The framework had destroyed her. Jemma hadn’t hurt herself in so long. But what had happened in that hellish world was too much. And now that Fitz was drawing away from her and she didn’t know what to do.

Why hadn’t she told Daisy? Or May? They had helped so much before. Stupid. Jemma felt so stupid. She bared her teeth and stood up. She walked to her desk and without a thought she shoved the stacks of paper from it. All she felt now was anger and guilt. She hated feeling this was. Why did this keep happening? Why was she such a fool? Why couldn’t she be normal?

Jemma began grabbing books and throwing them against the wall. She shouted as she did so. A mug was next. It shattered against the concrete wall. There was something satisfying about the sound. Jemma began to look around for something else she could break, but paused at the sound of her name.

She spun around to find Fitz standing in the doorway looking stunned. He looked from her to the mess she had made on the floor.

“What’s going on?” He asked walking all the way in and closing the door behind him.

Jemma looked away from him. “Nothing. I’m fine. Just a bit stressed,” she lied.

“Come on Jemma. We both know that’s not true.”

Her eyes closed tightly as tears began to burn in her eyes. Jemma’s fingers clenched into fists and she felt the warm blood dripping down her knuckles from the cut.

“Jemma, your forehead is bleeding.” Fitz rushed forward to get a better look but Jemma moved away.

A bit of the mug must have come back and hit her. Jemma turned and took some tissues from her bedside table pressing them to where she felt the warm blood on her temple. “I said I’m fine Fitz.”

But Fitz grabbed her arm and turned it so the inside of her wrist faced him. His bright blue eyes began to grow wet. “Oh Jemma…”

She jerked her arm away from him. As she did so she stumbled backwards and hit the wall. Jemma began to sob as she saw that the blood coming from her wrist had gotten on her sweater. “Oh God…” Sinking to the floor her buried her face in her hands.

Fitz was soon beside her taking her bleeding wrist in his soft hands. He began dabbing the blood away with some tissues. He then grabbed some gauze from their first aid kit and began to wrap it around the cut.

Neither spoke, as they cried and sat on the floor of their bunk. But once Fitz was done he used gentle fingers to turn Jemma’s brown eyes to face him. “I’m so sorry.”

“Please don’t say that,” Jemma wept. She fell against his shoulder as her sobs came harder. She felt his hand begin to stroke her hair.

“I love you Jemma. I love you so much.”

Jemma pursed her lips together. Oh this beautiful man. How could he hold such a broken creature and say I love you to it? She grabbed hold of his shoulder so she didn’t completely collapse. Jemma was so weak. “I love you too Fitz.”

“I’ve got you,” he whispered. His voice trembled and broke. “I’ve got you now. Just hold onto me.”

Jemma wrapped her arms around him and cried into his buttoned shirt. “Fitz why? Why am I like this? Why do these things happen to us?”

“I don’t know,” he said against her hair. Fitz pressed his lips to her pale and sweaty temple near the spot the mug had nicked her. “But I know I love you. I know you’re strong Jemma. If you weren’t, I wouldn’t be here right now. I’m so sorry I haven’t been here for you.”

“We could both apologize for days.”

Fitz nodded with a small chuckle. “Very true. Instead, allow me to tell you how dearly I love you. Jemma you may think you’re messed up, or that there’s something wrong with you. I get that. I felt that way too after what Ward did.” Here Fitz leaned back so Jemma could look up at him. “But you loved me anyways. And I’m going to do the same for you. Jemma I will always love you no matter what.”

Jemma’s eyes clenched shut as she tried to hold back the tears. She snuggled into the neck of the man she loved so dearly. “Don’t leave me.”

“Never,” Fitz replied.

Jemma knew the road to recovery would hard for them both. But at least they wouldn’t have to travel alone.

**Author's Note:**

> This was based on my own experience. Be looking for the next chapter when Fitz finds out.


End file.
